


I'll Cry If I Want To

by staticshakedown



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24788452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staticshakedown/pseuds/staticshakedown
Summary: [New Moon] It's Bella's birthday but all she really wants to do is cry. A mix of hurt/comfort/humor and Bella x Jacob friendship.
Relationships: Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	I'll Cry If I Want To

**A/N:** This story is set during _New Moon_ if Edward had never returned.

* * *

It was her birthday today. She was officially turning nineteen years old.

That meant it had been 365 days since her last birthday.

And 364 days since she had last seen Edward.

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks as soon as she opened her eyes and regained consciousness from sleep. Tomorrow would mark one year, which meant that she could no longer count just the _days_ since she had last seen him, but the _years_. She felt her stomach churn at the thought and she was grateful that she hadn't had breakfast yet or else she might have tossed it up, deconstructed, right then and there on her bed.

The outside sun stubbornly wanted to get in. She idly noticed its rays making their way through the blinds and casting slated light onto her duvet. It was probably noon already, at least. She hadn't slept a second last night, it felt like, and now the day was halfway over.

_Good_.

She was in no mood to celebrate her soon-to-be one year anniversary without Edward. Oh, or her birthday, either.

She scooted further down into the sheets covering her, until they reached her nose, and stared up at the ceiling. Today marked the 364th straight day she had thought about him, _missed_ him, and wished he was still here. 364 days. She almost couldn't believe it. On days 10 through 20, a swarm of people had sworn to her that time healed all wounds and that she would get over him. By day 60 most of those people had tired of putting up with her morose disposition souring every public gathering, so the condolences came less and less.

She glanced at the windowsill that Edward used to climb to sneak into her room. There was no one there, of course, not that that ever stopped her from checking. She wondered where he was and what he was doing today. Did he remember it was her birthday? Was he thinking about her, too? With every day that passed, she questioned more and more if he had ever thought about her at all. Her time with him now seemed like one long fever dream. But it was a fever she couldn't shake.

Bella heard the squeak of a shoe before she heard the knock on her door, distracting her from her musings. It was a light knock. Then her father opened the door a hair and peaked in. "Hey Bells, are you awake?"

By day 90, she had learned to put on a mask.

She cracked a big smile at Charlie, sunny side up with the yolk still runny, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Good morning. Yes, I'm awake. I must have overslept." She covered her mouth as she faked an exaggerated yawn for good measure.

He opened the door fully and mirrored her smile, his arms rising far apart in search of a bear hug. "Nonsense. The _birthday girl_ gets to sleep as long as she wants."

She laughed and crunched forward enough to let herself be hugged. Her father squeezed her tightly then relaxed, remaining close by her side. "Are you hungry? Do you want breakfast? Lunch? Brunch? Young women like brunch, right?" He delicately brushed the bangs out of her face and tucked a few strands behind her ear.

But at the mere mention of food, her stomach protested loudly.

"Coffee. Just coffee please," she said while glancing down bashfully.

"Of course, pumpkin," he replied, amused, and bent down to kiss her forehead.

* * *

When she finally came downstairs, there was a smorgasbord of breakfast foods--a healthy mix of sweet pastries and savory meats and eggs--spread out on the kitchen island.

Her father looked up from the kitchen table where he had a warm cup of coffee waiting for her. "Don't worry about those," he interjected quickly, standing up. "I can save those for later. Er, that is-unless you changed your mind and are a little hungry?"

She neared the island and inspected the food. Half of the bacon was charred almost beyond recognition, and for some inexplicable reason there was a mountain of eggs. He had probably used a whole carton to make them. Bella realized idly he must have spent all morning on this.

She caught him studying her, and he quickly looked away. A spot on his neck seemed to itch and he scratched at it.

Pilfering through the pile of char, she picked up a piece of bacon that still had some color to it and put it in her mouth. As she made her way to the kitchen table, she snagged an orange cranberry muffin. "Thanks dad," she muffled out as she sat in front of him.

He positively beamed at her. "Don't mention it, Bells."

Bella ate her breakfast in relative calmness, her father's thoughtfulness warming her heart. Maybe she could do this. She could get through today without completely breaking down. She had taken Edward's departure day by day and lived to tell the tale. Not that anyone would ever believe her if she actually did reveal the truth about him.

She slowly nibbled through her muffin until all that was left was a basin of crumbs. When she was finished with her food, she stood up.

Her father quickly set down the newspaper he had been reading. "Ah, Bella-" he started.

She looked at him quizzically.

"I know you told me you didn't want to celebrate your birthday..." he trailed off.

" _Yes_ ," she repeated back slowly, wearily, not liking where this conversation was headed.

"And I totally understand that. It's just that...I got tickets for the premiere of _Vampires vs. Werewolves_ and I was wondering if you'd like to see it with me."

At that moment, she thought she felt her mask crack. And a few edge pieces chipped off. She touched her face as if a mask was really there, just to make sure. There was no way she heard that right. "What movie...did you say?"

" _Vampires vs. Werewolves_ ," Charlie repeated, this time with much less confidence. They awkwardly stared at each other, and with each second that passed with her completely horrified expression unchanged, he became increasingly frazzled. He started again quickly. "I know that you're an adult now and you probably have a million better things to do than watch a movie with your old man but I remembered how much you used to love supernatural books when you were younger and I just though-"

"S-sure, dad," she interjected, holding her hands out in surrender and saving him before he self-destructed. She gulped a breath of stale, bitter air. "That sounds…" She paused as she grasped for words. "Fine."

Her father slowly retreated from his meltdown. However, he still looked uncertain, almost comically so. "Are you sure, Bella?"

If she said the wrong thing, there was a real possibility he might explode. She hastily arranged the remaining pieces of her mask back in place and shot him a sugary sweet grin. It was amazing how much mechanical control she had mastered over her facial features in 364 days. "I'm sure, dad. Sounds fun. Let me just go upstairs and get ready first."

* * *

As usual, Bella was horribly, horribly mistaken. Getting out of bed at all today had been a terrible mistake. She was at her breaking point, and couldn't handle much more. The movie had been awful--from a cinematic and just logical point-of-view--and even worse when she realized that it regurgitated the same antiquated stereotypes of vampires that all media made.

Like, for example, their two possible fates in life: immortality or eternal damnation.

The precise idea that sparked mutiny in Edward's heart.

She felt a punch to her gut at the memory and winced. As subtly as possible, she wrapped a pressured arm against her waist. She was currently in the car with Charlie and they were headed back home. Luckily, he was too good a driver to get distracted by her movements.

A few minutes later, they turned a corner and their house tucked away in the forest appeared in view. They had left the porch lights on, which cast a soft white glow that spilled over to the street. Bella breathed a sigh of relief. Soon, she would be able to go straight to her room and silently cry into her pillow for the rest of the night.

She exited the car before Charlie could turn off the ignition. He hastily followed her to the front door and even blocked her arm from reaching for the handle. Bella stepped back and stared at him in confusion.

He looked away as if in guilt and shuffled his feet in front of her before speaking. "Now Bella, I know you said you didn't want a party..."

" _Dad_ …" she trailed off as well. "That is correct…" A slow wave of dread roiled her at his words. It began to dawn on her that this day truly might never end.

He opened the door and ushered her to go in first with a wave of a hand. "That's why I don't want you to think of it as a party," he whispered hurriedly as she crossed the threshold.

She turned to face him. "What does that mean?" And as she asked, Charlie flicked on the lights.

"Surprise!"

Bella jumped in alarm at the sound. As she looked around, she saw balloons and streamers everywhere, even more mountains of food than before, and people draped over every piece of furniture in their house. Her friends from school were there, as was Billy Black, and several other members of the Quileute tribe.

"Happy birthday!" they cheered in unison.

Bella was rooted to her spot on the foyer in shock. A few of their guests laughed at her stunned expression, but she truly couldn't move. Her father had to take her by the shoulders to reanimate her. He gently guided her toward the nearest group of people to greet them as everyone gradually resumed their chatting.

Bella wasn't sure how many people she talked to that night. It all passed by in a blur. And as soon as one conversation ended, she forgot what it was about.

She ducked into the kitchen. Just as she was peering into some bottom cabinets to see if there was any hard liquor she could steal, Mike cornered her from behind. "Hey Bella, how old are you turning again?"

She looked up and noticed her friends from Forks High start to congregate around them.

_Great_.

Bella glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes and then looked back down. "Nineteen," she muttered, while trying her best to inconspicuously close the cabinet that she didn't want anyone to know she had opened.

"Wow, you're so old!" he yelled and then chuckled at his own comment.

She instantly blanched at the declaration. There had to be a higher power at work messing with her, she was sure of it at this point.

Angela slapped Mike sharply on the arm. "What are you talking about? She's just a few months older than you."

Mike grinned back at her. "I know. I'm old too."

"You're not old! Then that would make me old!" she retorted.

Bella unwittingly continued hearing the conversation as she slowly inched her way out of the kitchen. Thankfully, her friends didn't seem to notice. "You are old," she heard Mike reply before she was out of earshot, and then the unmistakable sound of another slap.

* * *

The backdoor led to wilderness.

Bella sneaked out when she knew no one was looking. The Swan residence did not have much of a patio, so she sat instead on the pebbled steps that lead to their empty backyard. The floor felt uncomfortably bumpy, but she didn't care.

Outside air was different. Lighter. She listened for a moment but couldn't hear anyone following her. _That meant if she just cried for five minutes no one would notice, right?_ As soon as she gave herself permission, the tears burst out of her.

She missed Edward. Even with a room full of people there to support her, all she wanted was to see him. She wanted to meet his gaze as he centered his undivided attention on her with his hazel eyes. Or have him press his ear against her chest to listen to her heartbeat, as he was wont to do from time to time.

"Bella, what are you doing here?"

She froze, as an initial reaction, then unfroze. She recognized that voice.

She turned to confirm that the voice was Jacob's. Bella hadn't seen him in a while, now that she thought about it. But she didn't know how many days it had been.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she mumbled, turning back forward.

"It's your birthday. What do you mean what am I doing here?" He stepped toward her. "The only reason I didn't come see you sooner was because your dad had this surprise party planned. You know how he likes people to stick to his plans. _Hey-_ " He examined her face more closely as he approached and noticed a pink nose and puffy eyes. "Have you been crying?"

She quickly looked away and wiped the snot and remnant trail of tears on the sleeve of her jacket. When she drew her face away, the residue left a nasty, wet sheen on the black cotton. She buried her arm between crossed legs in hiding. _How attractive_.

"No..." she said slowly. "I haven't."

He sat down next to her, worry etched on his face. He sat far enough away that they weren't touching, but his aura seemed to want to cross the short divide to reach her. She could practically feel it, pressing against an invisible barrier as if it were a mime.

"What's wrong?" he said softly, delicately, knowing that he already knew the answer.

She said nothing for a moment and just stared ahead. She could hardly see into the night, it was so black. It made her mind play tricks on her, seeing shapes that weren't there.

"I'm lonely," she said, finally vocalizing what the voice in the back of her head had been telling her for a while. "And it's humiliating missing someone who doesn't care about you." Her voice broke off at the last part, though she didn't mean for it to. "C _orrection_ -someone who never cared about you." She ducked her head in embarrassment as another tear rolled down.

"Bella," Jacob interjected, his voice a cross between upset and angry, and he pressed closer to her.

"What?" she replied glumly.

"You know that's not true."

"It is true." She said it to the night. "It's true. And that's what makes it such a bitter pill to swallow. That I fell so hard for someone who barely was there."

She swiped at her face with her other sleeve and stood up slowly. "Anyway, we should head back inside. It's dark out."

As she made her way to the door, she bumped into his chest. His brooding figure was suddenly blocking the doorway. He held his arms out and grabbed her lightly, preventing her from going anywhere.

"What are you doing?" she mumbled. "Let's go inside. It's cold out."

He didn't budge; said nothing.

"Do you remember what you called me?" he said lowly. "That one time in your truck."

When she didn't reply, he continued after a beat. "You said that I was warm, like the sun."

"Jacob," she huffed. "It was a figure of speech. I'm still actually cold. Let's go inside."

"It made me so happy when you said that," he continued, and looked away. "Even though you hardly meant anything by it. That's how I know. If you … if you _love_ someone, _truly_ love someone, it doesn't matter if they don't love you back." He said it ardently. "When someone touches your heart, you feel it deeper than the ocean and farther than the stars. Or I guess in my case, warmer than the sun. And nothing can take that away from you."

He stared at her intently. "Even if the other person didn't make you feel that way on purpose."

Bella blushed while looking down.

"Caring for someone like that is a beautiful thing. It's not something to be embarrassed about."

She slowly looked up at him. "Jacob," she mumbled, new tears streaming freely down her face.

He pulled her in tightly for a hug.

After a moment, she tried to end their embrace. Although she attempted to break free from his hold, he wouldn't let go. "Okay, okay, stop," she whined. "I'm going to get snot on your shirt."

He snorted and squeezed her more tightly. "Like I care. I don't mind at all, so go ahead and cry your big heart out."

He finally released her when he heard her chuckling.

She gave him a soft jab at his shoulder. Then she glanced once more at the inky darkness in front of them. A silly idea popped into her head, and she faced the scene of her empty backyard more fully, planting her feet steady.

"Edward is a jerk!" she yelled into the night, and the night absorbed her scream without reply.

"Yes, he is!" Jacob yelled loudly next to her.

"I bet his dick is small!"

"The smallest!"

"But also--he was a really nice guy! A-and his companionship meant a lot to me!"

"Can't relate, but okay!"

"I don't know how to feel yet! And that's okay!"

"It is okay! It's more than okay!"

"And I have a friend named Jake who is insufferable!"

"Yeah!" Jacob yelled. And then more quietly, "wait-what?"

"But I know he means well and he never fails to make me smile!"

"Y-yeah!"

"The power of friendship is real!"

"The realest!"

Bella broke out into her second genuine laugh of the day. Jacob looked down at her silently as she continued giggling, his face a satisfied ember.

"Ready to go back inside?" he asked her when she was done, offering his hand.

"Yes," she decreed, and this time she actually meant it.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't mind me. I'm just going through an early mid-life crisis and re-watching the Twilight movies.


End file.
